It didn't take me long to figure out that what I was experiencing was more intense than the baby blues. There's no way that what I'm feeling is "normal". In hindsight, some of my thoughts and emotions were pretty typical (mourning your previous life), but others were not (having so much anxiety I was shaking and couldn't sleep, feeling like I couldn't take care of my baby or didn't want to take care of my baby, and having negative thoughts). It was scary. I was terrified. If I admit to anyone that I am feeling this way, they will take my baby away and think less of me. People will think I have failed as a mom. I can't tell anyone. Not even my husband.
Since my doctor's office is the same place where I work and was seen for my pregnancy, I had a very good relationship with a lot of the staff. This was both good and bad. Good because I had great connections and resources, but bad because I felt embarrassed and didn't want people to know I was struggling so much. I managed to text one of the triage nurses I felt comfortable with to inquire about taking my antidepressants again while breastfeeding. I had taken Lexapro in the past, but had discontinued it while pregnant because of the possible risks. She suggested Zoloft because it is the most studied of the SSRI's and most recommended by the Academy of Pediatrics. I was hesitant to try something new because I know that not everyone reacts well to certain SSRI's, and it can sometimes make you feel even worse. I spoke with a lactation consultant at Harper's pediatrician, and she encouraged me to take what I knew worked. Of course she wouldn't have told me to take something that would knowingly cause harm to Harper via my breast milk, but she knew that if I didn't get the help I needed, I was risking getting even more depressed. Hearing this was such a relief, because I knew that I would start to feel better once I resumed my medication.
At one point I also spoke with one of the doctors who was on call. It was during one of my most desperate times, and I asked if there was anything she could give me to help with the anxiety to take the edge off (this was either before I started the Lexapro again, or before the meds had kicked in). I admitted to her that it was so bad, I felt like I couldn't even take care of my baby. She said she couldn't prescribe me anything because it wasn't safe to take while breastfeeding, and she thought I'd feel better if I got some sleep. Looking back, she wasn't really receiving my warning signs that I wasn't doing so hot. Should I have said something different to make it seem more serious? What would have changed? Could there have been a conversation about the option of not breastfeeding, so I could take care of my mental health? That night I slept on the couch while my husband slept in our room with Harper. I didn't get much rest before I heard Harper crying, and when I went upstairs I saw Alex trying to do skin to skin with her in hopes of calming her down. What she really needed was to eat, which was something only I could do at the time. Thinking back on that night is heartbreaking, because I couldn't even be in the same room as my family. I needed space. I had to get away. I frequently stood on the porch in the freezing cold, just to get that sensation, like splashing water on your face. There was no follow up the next day from that doctor.
From the time I gave birth until the time I started to feel like my normal self again, I did a lot of research on postpartum depression. I didn't want to read warning signs or articles that made me have to admit I was suffering from postpartum depression, I wanted real stories from real women who experienced the same things I did. The very few things I did find online like this made me feel like I wasn't alone, and gave me hope that I would get through it. The topic of mental illness has grown, but it still isn't talked about as openly as it should be. I found this to be even more true of postpartum mood disorders. No one wants to admit that having a baby is anything but pure bliss (and if you had a baby and it was this way for you, please, share your secret). Admitting that you are struggling with life as a new mother (or father!) is challenging, because you don't know how you'll be received.
When I did feel comfortable enough to open up to other mothers about what I experienced, many were able to relate. God, I could have really used those ladies when I was in the midst of depression. However, some mothers cannot relate to what I went through, and that's ok too. In one group I am part of, one mother said her and her husband couldn't sleep because they couldn't stop staring at their beautiful newborn. Really? Um, I couldn't sleep because I was shaking uncontrollably from anxiety. But everyone has their own experience, and I only wish mine could have been like that. I only ask that when you meet a new mother, you ask her how she's doing....how she's really doing. Because things might be different, or challenging, or great, but things might also be bad, and she has been waiting for someone to care enough to ask. It could make the biggest difference for her to have someone she can confide in, or feel safe asking for help.
Although I look back on the first days of my daughter's life with sadness because I couldn't enjoy those moments, I consider myself lucky. I knew the warning signs and I knew that I needed help right away. Some women don't know what they are experiencing, don't know where to go for help, or can't find the help and support they need. Perhaps some have even tried to ask for help and didn't get it. I remember trying to tell my mother-in-law, in the only way I knew how, that I was struggling emotionally. Her response? "Oh, I didn't think about that". End of discussion. Or some are afraid of what they are feeling and don't feel like they can admit it to anyone; I couldn't admit to my husband what I was really going through until I had healed. I went to a counselor that I had seen pre-baby, and when she admitted that she, too, also experienced postpartum depression, the tears came flooding out. I went in to that session apprehensively, but once she shared her experiences, I finally felt comfortable sharing the extent of mine. And that was a lifesaver.
If you think you are experiencing a postpartum mood disorder, you are not alone and there is help available. It will get better!! Contact your OB, family doctor, counseling center, or a mother's support group.
Here are some resources I found helpful in my days of darkness:
The Healthy Expectations Perinatal Mental Health Program (this is a program if you live in Colorado, but there may be others like this at your local hospital):
http://www.childrenscolorado.org/healthyexpectations
http://www.babble.com/baby/postpartum-depression-thoughts/
http://www.postpartumprogress.com/cant-tell-mom-postpartum-depression-looking
This woman, Therese Borchard, made this speech at my college commencement. It was so powerful I have it bookmarked on my computer:
http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/beyondblue/2012/05/ring-the-bells-that-still-can-ring-2.html
This article was published 1/5/15, on my daughter's 1st birthday (I wish it had been available sooner!) :
http://www.salon.com/2015/01/05/im_terrified_that_hell_inherit_my_brokenness_living_through_postpartum_depression_as_a_dad/
The Postpartum Stress Center (they have a Facebook page!)
The documentary "Dark Side of the Full Moon" (I have not seen yet as it is a new release, but I can't wait!)
http://www.darksideofthefullmoon.com/
The book "Down Came the Rain" by Brooke Shields
